Can't Sleep...

As I laid down to sleep tonight, I could not stop the thoughts from racing. So much uncertainty. So much confusion. So many choices.

We have our house for sale, and are anticipating an offer in the next few days. We are fairly certain that the offer will come, but what will the offer be? How much lower than what we are asking? The asking price already requires us to bring a fairly hefty chunk of change to the table... so the thought of an offer that is LOWER, is deeply terrifying to me. We are talking at least over $10,000 that we would need to bring to closing.

At the same time though, how can reject ANY offer? If these people don't buy it... who would? Seriously. For the type of house we are dealing with, these people are probably our only chance. Renting the house is an idea that makes me want to vomit. This is NOT the kind of house we want to rent out. Too much maintance. Too many quirks. Too much liability. As stressful as taking $15,000 to the table would be, renting it could possibly be much, much worse.

The worst part of the thought of taking so much money, is that we haven't even enjoyed this house. At all. Yes, I have been grateful to have a place to live. I'm grateful for lessons I've learned here. I'm grateful for the countless people we have met and friendships that we have forged as a result of being in this house. I am grateful for wonderful experiences that we have had because of the circumstances and situations we have been in because we were in this house. I am grateful for the PRECIOUS memories that we have made with our children in this house. BUT living in this house has been an absolute nightmare. Starting in Feb. 2006, two months after we bought the house, when there was an abnormally warm couple of days that brought swarmer termites flying out of cracks inside the house. They shed their wings, and I would find them EVERYWHERE. It was disgusting. I have not enjoyed the mice. I have not enjoyed paying thousands every winter for heating and still being cold. The drafts. The well. The septic. The inability to flush our one and only toilet when it rains too much. The floor plan. The ONE tiny closet. The being pregnant and having to walk downstairs at night to pee. or puke. So many things that have been so troublesome for us... paying an additional $15,000 to get out of the house is like salt to an open wound. But if I could, would I ask to have never bought this house have have all of those experiences taken away? No. I wouldn't. This house has been such a blessing, and a curse, at the same time.

And yet, I PRAY with all my heart, that these people will make us an offer. Any offer. Please, just give us an offer....

Selling the house, even at a painful loss would be worth it. It would give us the ability to go where we need to for Kevin's schooling. It would give us more options for what we could do if Kevin can't get a job for this next school year. (Which has also been a subject of many tears and questions of WHY??? And wondering what exactly happened that made Kevin's supervisors give him the choice of termination or resignation. If anyone know Kevin, you know he didn't deserve it. No one he works with understands why, especially not us. And we will never know what happened, or why they targeted him, why they made him look like an awful teacher, unfit for employment in that county.... WHY?)

So, sell the house we will. Even at great cost. Even though we don't have that much money. Even though in two weeks we won't know where our next dime will come from.

Despite it all.... despite the stress and feelings of anxiety, and (yes) sometimes feelings of anger... in the mix of all of that, I do feel peace. I know that the Lord has a plan for us. I know that He will take care of us. That I do know. He made that clear to me the week that the situation at Kevin's job began and I was thinking "No way. No. No. It won't happen. He can't lose his job. They can't do that to him. They won't. It's just not possible. No." and the Lord told us "Yes, they will." Kevin and I both had impressions that they would indeed not renew his contract. But the Lord also sent me a beautiful message that week, through the actions of someone else, that told me that He would take care of us. That everything would be okay... eventually. And it is that peace that I reflect upon and carry with me through this stressful time. Things might get worse first, but they will get better.